my hope is built on nothing less, when jesus brought righteousness
i dare not trust the sweetest phrase, but i trust in jesus's nae
when darkness seems to hide his face
i rest on his unchanging way
on every high and stormy gale
my anchor holds within the vale
christ the lord, corner stone, weak made strong
in the savior's love
through the storm
he is lord, lord of all

Where do i fit in your kingdom?

dear God,

where do i fit in? Am I trying? or am i not trying hard enough? How hard do i have to go at this? I won't give up, but am i doing enough? 

These are the questions that pop up in my head every day. If not, thats where my motives come from. When is it my time to find a job? where do i look God? I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. will i ever get a job? Please don't let this time of searching get the better of me. Don't let it get in the way of finding you. I always come back after every interview, wondering if this is the one. But why isn't there just something that fits? God I'm not asking for the perfect job am i? I'm just trying to find where my interests and gifts you've given me can go. where where where where....

The long break up.

Sorry I've been away for so long... Its one of those things where I've just been not motivated to do this. But I kind of realized that blogging/journaling is important for me. If I don't, I don't seem to reflect on what is going on in my life. So let's do an update, I'm not too sure where I've left off but I'll try to update as much as I can.

I want to say its been like 6 months since I've not journaled. Well I'm finally done with school forever! since march. the last few months of school went pretty smoothly, no big problems, just tried to finish. Did a short three month internship with a non-profit and that's about it. Decided to let go some of my volunteering activities just to get myself focusing on applying to jobs, but now I'm kind of wondering if I should get back into it. It's been nice, though, to not have to volunteer. But i think it's made me a little selfish -i'll get into that later. But these last 2 and a half months since not having any more school have been challenging for me. This in between position has been weird. Between not having a job and being out of school, I keep thinking about if I am going to be like this forever. Stuck. Stuck in this lull. Forever!!!! When I think about it, it scares me. And when I become scared my mind scrounges to want to look for jobs to look for. My mind is caught up in this trap where anytime that I take rest or try to take rest, that I am wasting precious time to apply for jobs. That i have to constantly be looking and applying for jobs. Especially when everyone else is off to school or at work and I'm stuck at home "not doing anything" or can't get a job. I don't think I can tell how much pressure I am putting on myself. But I'm not putting pressure on myself physically, only mentally. When I mentally pressure myself it's pretty much a selfish downward spiral from there. I notice myself feeling frantic and all caught up in my own worries. Even when I try to call myself down and try to remind myself that I have to trust God, I don't feel myself truly relying on these words that I read or allow God to tell me that He is there. I'll say it and for a little second I'll say "oh yeah yeah, meditate". But 5 seconds later I start worrying again.

I am scared. scared of being or looking like a failure. I don't want to look like I am not doing anything. I don't want to be a "bum". Some of that pressure I think comes from living at home. I don't want my parents to think that I am not doing anything or look like I can't find a job. To them, I don't want to look lazy or incapable of looking for my own line of work. Wow. That was tough... tough for me to soak in. Never really thought that was the under lying problem for me. I mean things are definitely rooted a lot further with my parents. Like through college I always had to prove that my major wasn't a waste, if i didn't pursue business. Business always looked like a secure major to have to my parents and maybe i'm hung up on that and so the pressure is on for me to find a job to prove to my parents and myself that my major is not a failure. But what if my major was a waste? (cause it totally is...) Am I okay with that? Can I trust God in his plans for my life? Everything has a reason right? What i majored isn't a mistake or even if it was, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to God. He can use me no matter what I majored in or what kind of character I've developed or what kind of baggage I've accumulated over the past.

I mean they(parents) have not said any of this to me saying that I am a failure or anything.  But to me it translates in a way that I don't want my parents to help me no longer, I want to be able to make choices for myself. And if I even hear my parents trying to help me to me it's a sign of failure. I mean parents aren't the only pressure -money is too. I've been having trouble with money, but I think there needs to be a separate blog for money.

Can I trust God to carry me? Can I trust God enough to give everything up? To let go. To let go of everything that I thought was in my plans. To trust His plans that He has planned from the waaaaayyyy beginning? He's created me here with a purpose. He has created me here with a purpose. In his eyes, I am in His plans. I was not created here as a mistake or with all the infinite science theories that try to explain why we even exist. I am created here on Earth for a reason and a greater plan. God loves me and has planned for me to exist at this point in time for a reason. I might not know his greater plans, but I must trust and have faith in this. Jesus is, so I can.

I can see that my fears are affecting my relationships. I become so worried and caught up in my own problems and fears, I start feeling insecure in my relationships with others or how others perceive me. I lacked the relationship part with God. Not listening to God, but just telling God how I am feeling. I must listen and know that his love is what secures me in who I am in Him. Lord will you pick me up? Draw me closer to you so that my fears don't affect my relationships and that I don't get caught up in myself but devote myself in others that are struggling to find hope in you?

So God created human beings  in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.” Then God said, “Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food.  And I have given every green plant as food for all the wild animals, the birds in the sky, and the small animals that scurry along the ground—everything that has life.” And that is what happened. Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day. - Genesis 1:27-31

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace  with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.  Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. - Romans 5:1-6

I know these two BIG paragraphs are super long, but bare with me because when reading these verses they gave me so much hope and security in Christ and I hope that you (or whoever is reading these blogs) also feel this same hope. You don't need to go looking for other things to fulfill the void or the fear that drives you to look for hope in earthy things. But that you find your security in the one who is and says who He is.

God replied to Moses, “ I AM WHO I AM.  Say this to the people of Israel:  I AM  has sent me to you.” - Exodus 3:14

don't forget how to be thankful.

Failure.

how do i deal with something that isn't in my control. i feel like after every interview just stupid and a failure. Why doesn't anybody want me? What am i doing wrong in my interviews?How do i deal with rejection?

I feel like a bum. Not doing anything and just waiting for people to respond to my resumes. I need something to do. i wish someone would just hire meeee!! hire meeeee!!! why am i not good enough? why do i always fail at interviews??? ughhh..... life.

The Library Session #2

 Packing light 

I wish I could have known my internal world was telling me lies about my external world and what was happening in it. I wish I could have grabbed myself by the shoulders, shaken myself, and said "No one has anything you don't have! You have everything you need. You have as much control over your life as anyone! If you feel depressed, do something about it. If you feel stuck, flail around for a while until you get unstuck. If you feel trapped, kick down the doors that are keeping you in. Make messes. Make mistakes. Just make a decision, for heaven's sake! Quit waiting for life to happen to you. Whether you're sitting in a cubicle, or on a fifty-state road trip, it's no different. The control over your life you long for, it isn't elusive. You already have it."

The imperfect process of taking Courage

You don’t get to choose who your parents are.
You’ve got to accept who they are and the way they’ve raised you because that’s the only way they know how to.
You can’t blame them. You can only love them and understand they love you and they are trying their best to protect you from a tough world.
But sometimes, you just gotta say “enough is enough”. You’ve got to learn to make choices on your own.
Recently it’s become apparent that I haven’t broken out of my parents shell. *gasp* shocking, I know. Being the youngest and the only girl in the house, often my parents have made demanding decisions in my life. Some decisions better than others. And some where I seriously should have just learned on my own.