Disappointment...

The look of a mother's face when her child fails. ughhh... i hate it when this happens. All day I was looking back and trying to figure out what i had done wrong and what i could had done more. But it just made me even more sad. I played out in my head how telling my mother would happen; what I would say to lessen her disappointment. "Maybe, she won't be so mad and a little more understanding. It's okay God will somehow help her understand, right?" I waited... and waited for my mother to come home. She came into the playroom, with a happy and enthusiastic questioning of how my day went. I thought in my head, in just a second the mood will all change. I tell her, "I talked to InRoads, the lady couldn't get me in." I explained to her why and why my extension of my graduation date didn't matter. She goes "I knew it. Oh well, are you sure?" "yes..." "see, you should have not wasted time and just done it earlier." I knew she was going to get there. I tried to lessen the fact that it was probably not the right time and i told her, "It's okay, it was just not meant to be..."
"Yeah I guess so..." She said disappointedly. She kept ranting about the same thing she said before "...you should have done it earlier... if you didn't switch around schools and went straight to UW..." Things were just not going well. I tried to get a hug from her, but it was a cold one. Kind of like the one where "do i have to?" hug. There was no response or feeling of "its okay Alicia... you tried". Nothing. It's hard to live with a mother that isn't grounded in Christ... truly not easy. Especially when she is Chinese, I can understand that you want the best for your children. It's an especially hard thing to see when all three of your children, you think, aren't doing well. If I was a mother like my mom I don't know how I would be able to live without Christ and knowing His greater plan for my own kids.
Anyways, maybe I'm just about to start my period or I am being really emotional about everything... *sigh* today was just not a good day. Throughout the day I kept reading the bible and trying to quiet my heart from being disappointed and sad. But it's no use, I can't hold it in any longer.
I really don't want to be disappointed because I don't want to be disappointed in God. Cause I still do believe He has a greater plan for me, but at this moment I feel kind of like Job, but not to that extent.

"9What do workers gain from their toil? 10I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him." - Ecclesiastes 3:9-14

~UPDATE~
so I never told you how things went the next day huh? So the next day my mom and I sat down at dinner and talked about my plans and what I could do. I told her my plans weren't really into doing business from the start (inRoads is a business program to earning an internship in a business company). That I really wanted to do something more in communications and that I was looking for an internship in the social media area. She understood and felt a little more reassured that I was thinking about my future. I think even through this small talk I felt God taking us through the conversation. I am slowly learning that communication is very key in any relationship that I am trying to build or rebuild. My mother and I haven't totally resolved all our problems between us, but I trust that when the time comes God will help remind us of the areas that need to be patched up and he will carry us through every step.