That's where I was for awhile. And now, I think I am getting the draw backs of that. I've been searching and searching for an answer to something for a few weeks now, but I can't find it. Hoping that the things I read in the bible will come to me and give me an answer. But deep down I don't think that's what I need. And no I don't mean that God's word is something to gloss over or blogging/journaling are ways to not connect with God. It's just right now, for me, this isn't the season for those things.
During the NL staff retreat we read a couple of readings, and out of those readings something stuck with me.
"solitude helps us stay attentive to the dynamics of spiritual exhaustion and attend to the deeper sources before they pull us under. One of the most important lessons I have learned over the past few years is how important it is to have time and space for being with what's real in my life --to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed my tears, sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness. This being with what is not the same thing as problem solving or fixing, because not everything can be fixed or solved. Rather, it means allowing God to be with me in that place and waiting for him to do what is needed. In silence my soul waits for you and you alone, O God. From you alone comes my salvation. When we don't attend to our vulnerabilities and instead try to repress it all and keep soldiering on, we get weary form holding it in. Eventually it leaks out in ways that are damaging to us and to others. Another reason we are so tired is that we are always working hard to figure things out rather than learning how to cease striving, how to be with what is true in God's presence and let God be God in the most intimate places of our life --which is, in the end the only thing that will change anything. We're busy trying to make stuff happen rather than waiting on God to make stuff happen."
Timing, timing, timing. And I think right now God is not telling me something cause he's teaching me to be patient. To trust Him in His plans and to stop trying to search for an answer. Trust, trust, trust. To be happy with where I am. To sit and rejoice in Him. Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.
You know how people say there is a season for everything? A season to be sad, angry, mournful, happy, joyful, and all the other glorious bi-polar emotions that God gave us. I've also noticed there are seasons in how I celebrate God's presence. Sometimes it's in writing, worship, talking to others, taking photos, walking, or looking at nature. There's another one that i feel needs to be worked on. Learning to allow God to speak in those moments of silence. When I pray, I am praying to God but rarely ever allowing Him to speak. I've tried to do the silence thing; it seriously is weird. To listen to nothing is awkward, I never know what I am listening for. I often thought that constantly talking to Him would eventually help me find reassurance. That maybe through the constant one sided conversation some how God will speak through those words to me. I mean talking to Him is always good. But sometimes your heart just desires those moments where you want to meet Him at your deepest core; and maybe that is what I am looking for. Not necessarily an answer, but to meet Him "face to face". To meet God in solitude, away from all the earthly desires, baggage, worries/concerns and projecting layers that I've built up here on earth. But to just come as i am. To be intimate with Him. Because He does, He does want to meet me here. That I don't have to be a certain person in order to feel worthy to be with Him. That God accepts me for who I am because he has loved me from the beginning.
"But on another level, the level where the spiritual journey is unfolding, it is a question that penetrates to the very core of our being. And it is very, very personal. It brings us face to face with our humanness, our vulnerability, our need. If we let it, such a question strips away the layers of pretense and superficiality to expose what is truest within us. And that is a very tender place indeed."I really want God to expose me at my core to myself. I want him to show me who I am deep beneath the layers of superficiality and earthly discovers of who i am. I want to know what God sees when he looks at me. Is He happy? Sad? joyful? ashamed? I guess right now I'm at a point where I want to re-evaluate my heart for God. Is my heart aligned with His heart? Have I become a worthy follower to be an example of God's kingdom? Do I fear God enough that if one day I was challenged with my faith would I choose to follow God or what earthy things? Then that would lead me to the question, do I understand the extent of what Christ has done for me on the cross? (I could probably answer that; probably not.) And i think that is one of the problems... That I don't genuinely understand what it meant for Christ to die on the cross for me. And I'm sure that many people could agree to that. But then that leaves the question how could we ever truly love God then, if I don't understand why Christ died on the cross? (I guess we can't because we're not God. That we will never know what it means to give true love or how to because only Christ can surpass that.) But why does my heart long for Him so badly? ughh... i don't think any of this makes sense. I've gone on a tangent now.
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