my hope is built on nothing less, when jesus brought righteousness
i dare not trust the sweetest phrase, but i trust in jesus's nae
when darkness seems to hide his face
i rest on his unchanging way
on every high and stormy gale
my anchor holds within the vale
christ the lord, corner stone, weak made strong
in the savior's love
through the storm
he is lord, lord of all

Where do i fit in your kingdom?

dear God,

where do i fit in? Am I trying? or am i not trying hard enough? How hard do i have to go at this? I won't give up, but am i doing enough? 

These are the questions that pop up in my head every day. If not, thats where my motives come from. When is it my time to find a job? where do i look God? I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. will i ever get a job? Please don't let this time of searching get the better of me. Don't let it get in the way of finding you. I always come back after every interview, wondering if this is the one. But why isn't there just something that fits? God I'm not asking for the perfect job am i? I'm just trying to find where my interests and gifts you've given me can go. where where where where....

The long break up.

Sorry I've been away for so long... Its one of those things where I've just been not motivated to do this. But I kind of realized that blogging/journaling is important for me. If I don't, I don't seem to reflect on what is going on in my life. So let's do an update, I'm not too sure where I've left off but I'll try to update as much as I can.

I want to say its been like 6 months since I've not journaled. Well I'm finally done with school forever! since march. the last few months of school went pretty smoothly, no big problems, just tried to finish. Did a short three month internship with a non-profit and that's about it. Decided to let go some of my volunteering activities just to get myself focusing on applying to jobs, but now I'm kind of wondering if I should get back into it. It's been nice, though, to not have to volunteer. But i think it's made me a little selfish -i'll get into that later. But these last 2 and a half months since not having any more school have been challenging for me. This in between position has been weird. Between not having a job and being out of school, I keep thinking about if I am going to be like this forever. Stuck. Stuck in this lull. Forever!!!! When I think about it, it scares me. And when I become scared my mind scrounges to want to look for jobs to look for. My mind is caught up in this trap where anytime that I take rest or try to take rest, that I am wasting precious time to apply for jobs. That i have to constantly be looking and applying for jobs. Especially when everyone else is off to school or at work and I'm stuck at home "not doing anything" or can't get a job. I don't think I can tell how much pressure I am putting on myself. But I'm not putting pressure on myself physically, only mentally. When I mentally pressure myself it's pretty much a selfish downward spiral from there. I notice myself feeling frantic and all caught up in my own worries. Even when I try to call myself down and try to remind myself that I have to trust God, I don't feel myself truly relying on these words that I read or allow God to tell me that He is there. I'll say it and for a little second I'll say "oh yeah yeah, meditate". But 5 seconds later I start worrying again.

I am scared. scared of being or looking like a failure. I don't want to look like I am not doing anything. I don't want to be a "bum". Some of that pressure I think comes from living at home. I don't want my parents to think that I am not doing anything or look like I can't find a job. To them, I don't want to look lazy or incapable of looking for my own line of work. Wow. That was tough... tough for me to soak in. Never really thought that was the under lying problem for me. I mean things are definitely rooted a lot further with my parents. Like through college I always had to prove that my major wasn't a waste, if i didn't pursue business. Business always looked like a secure major to have to my parents and maybe i'm hung up on that and so the pressure is on for me to find a job to prove to my parents and myself that my major is not a failure. But what if my major was a waste? (cause it totally is...) Am I okay with that? Can I trust God in his plans for my life? Everything has a reason right? What i majored isn't a mistake or even if it was, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to God. He can use me no matter what I majored in or what kind of character I've developed or what kind of baggage I've accumulated over the past.

I mean they(parents) have not said any of this to me saying that I am a failure or anything.  But to me it translates in a way that I don't want my parents to help me no longer, I want to be able to make choices for myself. And if I even hear my parents trying to help me to me it's a sign of failure. I mean parents aren't the only pressure -money is too. I've been having trouble with money, but I think there needs to be a separate blog for money.

Can I trust God to carry me? Can I trust God enough to give everything up? To let go. To let go of everything that I thought was in my plans. To trust His plans that He has planned from the waaaaayyyy beginning? He's created me here with a purpose. He has created me here with a purpose. In his eyes, I am in His plans. I was not created here as a mistake or with all the infinite science theories that try to explain why we even exist. I am created here on Earth for a reason and a greater plan. God loves me and has planned for me to exist at this point in time for a reason. I might not know his greater plans, but I must trust and have faith in this. Jesus is, so I can.

I can see that my fears are affecting my relationships. I become so worried and caught up in my own problems and fears, I start feeling insecure in my relationships with others or how others perceive me. I lacked the relationship part with God. Not listening to God, but just telling God how I am feeling. I must listen and know that his love is what secures me in who I am in Him. Lord will you pick me up? Draw me closer to you so that my fears don't affect my relationships and that I don't get caught up in myself but devote myself in others that are struggling to find hope in you?

So God created human beings  in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.” Then God said, “Look! I have given you every seed-bearing plant throughout the earth and all the fruit trees for your food.  And I have given every green plant as food for all the wild animals, the birds in the sky, and the small animals that scurry along the ground—everything that has life.” And that is what happened. Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good! And evening passed and morning came, marking the sixth day. - Genesis 1:27-31

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace  with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.  Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. - Romans 5:1-6

I know these two BIG paragraphs are super long, but bare with me because when reading these verses they gave me so much hope and security in Christ and I hope that you (or whoever is reading these blogs) also feel this same hope. You don't need to go looking for other things to fulfill the void or the fear that drives you to look for hope in earthy things. But that you find your security in the one who is and says who He is.

God replied to Moses, “ I AM WHO I AM.  Say this to the people of Israel:  I AM  has sent me to you.” - Exodus 3:14

don't forget how to be thankful.

Failure.

how do i deal with something that isn't in my control. i feel like after every interview just stupid and a failure. Why doesn't anybody want me? What am i doing wrong in my interviews?How do i deal with rejection?

I feel like a bum. Not doing anything and just waiting for people to respond to my resumes. I need something to do. i wish someone would just hire meeee!! hire meeeee!!! why am i not good enough? why do i always fail at interviews??? ughhh..... life.

The Library Session #2

 Packing light 

I wish I could have known my internal world was telling me lies about my external world and what was happening in it. I wish I could have grabbed myself by the shoulders, shaken myself, and said "No one has anything you don't have! You have everything you need. You have as much control over your life as anyone! If you feel depressed, do something about it. If you feel stuck, flail around for a while until you get unstuck. If you feel trapped, kick down the doors that are keeping you in. Make messes. Make mistakes. Just make a decision, for heaven's sake! Quit waiting for life to happen to you. Whether you're sitting in a cubicle, or on a fifty-state road trip, it's no different. The control over your life you long for, it isn't elusive. You already have it."

The imperfect process of taking Courage

You don’t get to choose who your parents are.
You’ve got to accept who they are and the way they’ve raised you because that’s the only way they know how to.
You can’t blame them. You can only love them and understand they love you and they are trying their best to protect you from a tough world.
But sometimes, you just gotta say “enough is enough”. You’ve got to learn to make choices on your own.
Recently it’s become apparent that I haven’t broken out of my parents shell. *gasp* shocking, I know. Being the youngest and the only girl in the house, often my parents have made demanding decisions in my life. Some decisions better than others. And some where I seriously should have just learned on my own.

Obey, Listen & Choice.

a post that I am eager to write and will come soon.

Ramblinggsss....

Have you ever had those moments where... you just crave to be in communion with God? To just sit there, not do anything and just be in the presence of God. I'm craving it. I don't know why. I don't know if its because schools started and i just feel like not doing work. To put down the books, bible study stuff, writing/blogging and all the stuff of DOING something. But just sit there in the presence of God. I think i'm lacking in that area to just sit with God. I feel like I'm always searching, searching, and searching. But I think i've come to a point of being tired of searching. And I'm not talking about that emptiness searching, but that searching where you are hoping that if you search hard enough God will give you an answer.

The Library Session

"But the rest of the week, the days I live in the glaring harshness of an abrasive world? Complete loss of central vision. Everywhere, a world pocked with scarcity.
I hunger for filling in a world that is starved.
But from that Garden beginning, God has had a different purpose for us. His intent, since He bent low and breathed His life into the dust of our lungs, since He kissed us into being, has never been to slyly orchestrate our ruin. And yet, I have found it, when I read it, and I have to come back to it many times, feel long across those words, make sure they are real. HIs love letter forever silences any doubts: 'His secret purpose framed from the beginning [is] to bring us to our full glory' (1 Corinthians 2:7). He means to rename us -to return us to our true names, our truest selves. He means to heal our soul holes. From the very beginning, that Eden beginning, that has always been and always is, to this day, His secret purpose -our return to our full glory. Apalling -that He would! Us, unworhty and yetsince we took a bite out of the fruit and toreinto our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God's had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. With glory and grace. " - C.S. Lewis

"Our responsibility is to love Him, study His word, deepen our relationship with Him, and learn to evaluate our choices in light of biblical wisdom. If we're doing these things, we can make our decisions in the confidence that we aren't somehow missing God's will. Will we fail sometimes and make mistakes? Of course we will. But the possibility of failure should never paralyze us."

Courage & Calling *Old unpublished post*

Reading a book called "Courage & Calling", I wish I could get further into... i only have a half a month left to read more than half of the book >< before I have to return it. But today, I really liked this part that I read. It's a bit long... so bare with me.

A Theological Vision For Good Work.

The huge assumption of our social context is that work is bad and leisure is good. Our only hope for a transformed vision for vocation, work and career, and for navigating the transitions of life, is to engage our world with a theological vision for good work- to redeem the very idea of work.

being okay with mistakes

Today I made many boo boos. I was working on this project for one of the editors and I kept making mistakes or wasn't being very detailed in my work. I was probably not being very careful in my work because I haven't been very enthusiastic or excited about work. And truthfully when I was doing the task, I didn't really care about it. But as I reflect on what happened today I realized something, God had just bit me in the butt at an unexpected moment.

She kept telling me to look over my work and rearrange the order of the reports. "Pick the ones that give the biggest story..." This took me two to three tries when it probably should have only taken me one or two tries if I fully understood what she had wanted. I can't really tell if I was frustrated with myself or that I really did not care that I had to keep editing the spread sheet. (Thankfully she is super patient and understanding through it all.) But I want to say in the back of my mind I was probably frustrated with myself. I wanted to seem like I didn't care that I had to keep editing the sheet over and over again. But at the last edit as she kept trying to get through to me at what she was looking for (but it just took me a long time to realize what she wanted by the third to fourth try) she says to me, "to be in this business you have to be very detail oriented... make sure you have things well organized from the story that will pack the punch and the rest of them in the other category that you think will be a good story" (those weren't her exact words, but it's close haha). She apologized for having me to edit the sheet so often in the end (so nice :)). But right when she said "...be very detail oriented", God had my attention.

The pep talk

What I do know is that during my time at this internship I want to work at doing. Even though I may not enjoy the job, I want to utilize this time and get the most out of my experience here. Lets not sit there at the desk and hide because anyone and everybody can do that. But not me. Take action! Be proactive!

I've always worried that if I could not stand up for myself how could I ever stand up for God or people during adversity? So first! Lets improve on standing up for myself  and taking on that risk of coming out of that shell.

Let's no longer make this all talk, but ACTION! I am tired of feeling pitiful. Feeling pitiful for myself is selfish talk.

No more. No longer will I hide.

No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. (Hebrews 12:11 NLT)

GENESIS 1, 2 & 3

one of the biggest things that God created us to do on earth was TO WORK. To work it and CARE for it (ch2, v15). So when we work, do we handle it with CARE or does it become TOIL?

toil... -.-; Darn Adam & Eve, why did they have to eat from the tree? If only I could do my work with CARE rather than TOIL.

Low-active into Pro-active

I've realized...

i suck at being proactive.

-.-;

...more to come...

A continuous reminder...

Be a vessel that carries love & grace.

“Compassion is not quantitative. Certainly it is true that behind every human being who cries out for help there may be a million or more equally entitled to attention. But this is the poorest of all reasons for not helping the person whose cries you hear. Where, then, does one begin or stop? How to choose? How to determine which one of a million sounds surrounding you is more deserving than the rest? Do not concern yourself in such speculations. You will never know; you will never need to know. Reach out and take hold of the one who happens to be nearest. If you are never able to help or save another, at least you will have saved one. To help put meaning into a single life may not produce universal regeneration, but it happens to represent the basic form of energy in a society. It also is the test of individual responsibility.” 

—Norman Cousins

Generosity

Today's devotion couldn't have come at a better moment (sarcasm). Yesterday, I had done something I shouldn't have done. Confession time.  

So I'm sure you're wondering what happened, right?  After discipleship with a friend i decided to drive my dad's bmw to costco for dinner.  After we had grabbed dinner at costco she wanted to grab some ice cream. We left Costco with the hood down cruisin' through the exit of costco and was taking a right at the light. A homeless man was standing at the corner. I didn't look at him, I couldn't.

I felt humiliated for driving a really nice car that allowed us to travel so comfortably from one place to another. I seriously, couldn't look at him because I felt like I didn't deserve this nice car while he was standing out there asking for money. So much was running through my head during those 5 seconds at the light. He then asked my friend in the passenger seat, "do you have any pennies?" I couldn't actually hear him say that from the roar of the engine as I tried to keep the engine fueled with gas so we wouldn't stall. ( Also, I am still a beginner at driving stick so it is a bit scary for me to take my hand off the wheel) BUT THIS IS STILL NO EXCUSE FOR ME TO TRY TO SACRIFICE PULLING OUT MONEY TO GIVE.  

So as i prepared for us to take the right turn to leave, I felt so uncomfortable because I knew I wasn't going to give money and I could feel my friend feeling very uncomfortable. I knew at any moment she was going to say to hurry and drive. A couple of seconds later i heard her under her breath say "hurry, are you going to go?" ( I don't remember if those were her exact words, but it was something like that). As she said that, I slowly pressed the gas peddle to zoom off  but as we were leaving the homeless man says "You bitches!" My friend turned her head (and i swear the homeless man probably heard this) and in a surprised and shocked tone she said, "what the fu--?" almost saying the whole swear word.

After we left the corner, my friend started complaining about how rude the homeless man was and how she would never give money to a homeless person like that cause he was so rude and impolite. I couldn't help but feel guilty. I kept thinking "Jesus would have given him money. I should have. Why didn't i do it?" I put the situation in the back of my mind because it was out of sight out of mind. I forgot about it the rest of the night because I live in a wealthy area code where I can drive off in a nice car without a care in the world how that homeless man will eat tonight or find shelter to sleep under. And I can go back to a home with a bed that is warm and "safe" for me to sleep in. I forgot about it.

Then I was reminded of the situation by this morning's devotion. The story of the woman who had gave generously and in full trust that the Lord will use the money for good in the end. I feel terribly guilty about how it all happened and I definitely could have done something to create peace, but I chose not to because I was, AGAIN, scared to take action. I also feel stupid for not doing anything or saying anything in front of my friend.  I swear God had placed that situation at a moment I would have least expected it and probably known that I wouldn't have done anything. I was not prepared. And how could I be prepared for this in the future?

Anyways, if you would like to know what the devotion was talking about it is down bellow. 

Wednesday March 27, 2013

Jesus on Generosity (Mark 12 41-44)

Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. 

Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”

My Journey to Generosity

— Billy Jack Blankenship, Minister of Children and Families, Solana Beach Presbyterian Church

During my final year at Point Loma Nazarene University in San Diego, I took a course called “A Theology for Communities of Faith,” a class that discussed what it means to be Christian. One ele­ment of the class was to spend a week at the Union Rescue Mission in downtown Los Angeles. The mission is on Skid Row, the most condensed population of homeless people in Los Angeles. In an effort to learn more about different communities, we fed the homeless, volunteered with a local congregation, and spent time on the streets to engage people in the area.

Our professor and tour guide was a man named Ron, a former pastor in the Los Angeles area for nearly20 years. Ron was one of the very few saints that I have ever met. As we walked around Skid Row, people came out of shops, stores, alleys, and churches to greet him. It was like walking with a famous person. For every street and sidewalk we toured, he had a sociological context to offer us and some deep theological nugget for us to ponder. One stop on our tour was the corner of Florence and Normandy, the site where the 1991 riots erupted. As we were talking, a homeless man—bearded, dirty, and wearing tattered clothes—approached Ron, asking for a couple of dollars so he could get something to eat.

Ron asked the man his name, chatted with him for a moment, and handed him a few dollars. As soon as the man walked away, one student (I will keep from naming him), with an annoyingly arro­gant tone, asked Ron, “Why did you give him that money? You know he is just going to buy beer with it, or drugs even.” Ron, who is a very gracious person, paused for a moment, a good 30 sec­onds, looking off into the distance.

Then he said something that has forever changed the way I view giving, sacrifice, and Lent. He looked at the student and said, “True, he might do that. But, you know, when I think about Jesus and the sacrifice he made, so we may be freed to live life to the full, I am very thankful that he didn’t say, ‘God, I don’t want to go through with it, because some of them are not going to do right with what I am giving them.’” Ron continued, “Jesus gave freely. He didn’t qualify his giving based on whether people would reject it. He just gave. We give because we are supposed to, not because of how they will use it. It is never wrong to sacrifice for another. The more we practice giving, the better the world will be.”

Another Year has Passed, Welcome 2013

I know i haven't been writing in this as often as I had wanted to, when I first started... But even if I didn't, I will continue to write in here as much as possible. I started this journal in 2012 in hopes of finding out what God's plan is for me. And yet I still haven't found that calling. I am sure it will come one day. I trust in the Lord that He has a plan and it is all part of His timing in His kingdom. 2012 was a very good year when I look back on it. But as I was sitting in the car of the first couple of ours of 2013 I realized people make a huge deal on "new years resolutions". But what makes yesterday different from a new year of 2013? Technically, we just grow older everyday... Yesterday will be the same as today and tomorrow will be the same as today. So shouldn't we make everyday a "new resolution"? Every day is a new day where we are able to wake up looking forward to making this world a better place to live.  Even though we may have had a crappy day yesterday, the next day there is a new day where we can be refreshed. So why do we need a "new year resolution"? Why isn't there a new day resolution? Take things slowly; one day at a time. Focusing on the little moments that will help us see our future in something greater than ourselves.

After writing about this, this was one of the things that i learned from the past year. I had a few downs this year but through the downs it made it worth the ups in the end. In this point in time I believe I am able to say the windy roads and steep slopes that helped me reach to the top has stretched my faith and made me grow closer to God.

I just realized, 2012 was the year I got baptized... crazy. It is definitely one of those moments where my life had taken a huge turn in trusting in God and His plans. Although, I still can't tell where God is leading me, He's definitely lead me through small unexpected steps that have answered my prayers.

Anyways... It's late, 3:34am on 1/1/2013. Time for bed and a new morning with a new resolution to live out the day in God's full glory and praise. To continue to be reminded that all things are made and done through Him. I look forward to 2013 and what kinds of obstacles I will face.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  - Romans 8:38

Disappointment...

The look of a mother's face when her child fails. ughhh... i hate it when this happens. All day I was looking back and trying to figure out what i had done wrong and what i could had done more. But it just made me even more sad. I played out in my head how telling my mother would happen; what I would say to lessen her disappointment. "Maybe, she won't be so mad and a little more understanding. It's okay God will somehow help her understand, right?" I waited... and waited for my mother to come home. She came into the playroom, with a happy and enthusiastic questioning of how my day went. I thought in my head, in just a second the mood will all change. I tell her, "I talked to InRoads, the lady couldn't get me in." I explained to her why and why my extension of my graduation date didn't matter. She goes "I knew it. Oh well, are you sure?" "yes..." "see, you should have not wasted time and just done it earlier." I knew she was going to get there. I tried to lessen the fact that it was probably not the right time and i told her, "It's okay, it was just not meant to be..."
"Yeah I guess so..." She said disappointedly. She kept ranting about the same thing she said before "...you should have done it earlier... if you didn't switch around schools and went straight to UW..." Things were just not going well. I tried to get a hug from her, but it was a cold one. Kind of like the one where "do i have to?" hug. There was no response or feeling of "its okay Alicia... you tried". Nothing. It's hard to live with a mother that isn't grounded in Christ... truly not easy. Especially when she is Chinese, I can understand that you want the best for your children. It's an especially hard thing to see when all three of your children, you think, aren't doing well. If I was a mother like my mom I don't know how I would be able to live without Christ and knowing His greater plan for my own kids.
Anyways, maybe I'm just about to start my period or I am being really emotional about everything... *sigh* today was just not a good day. Throughout the day I kept reading the bible and trying to quiet my heart from being disappointed and sad. But it's no use, I can't hold it in any longer.
I really don't want to be disappointed because I don't want to be disappointed in God. Cause I still do believe He has a greater plan for me, but at this moment I feel kind of like Job, but not to that extent.

"9What do workers gain from their toil? 10I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him." - Ecclesiastes 3:9-14

~UPDATE~
so I never told you how things went the next day huh? So the next day my mom and I sat down at dinner and talked about my plans and what I could do. I told her my plans weren't really into doing business from the start (inRoads is a business program to earning an internship in a business company). That I really wanted to do something more in communications and that I was looking for an internship in the social media area. She understood and felt a little more reassured that I was thinking about my future. I think even through this small talk I felt God taking us through the conversation. I am slowly learning that communication is very key in any relationship that I am trying to build or rebuild. My mother and I haven't totally resolved all our problems between us, but I trust that when the time comes God will help remind us of the areas that need to be patched up and he will carry us through every step.