Disappointment...

The look of a mother's face when her child fails. ughhh... i hate it when this happens. All day I was looking back and trying to figure out what i had done wrong and what i could had done more. But it just made me even more sad. I played out in my head how telling my mother would happen; what I would say to lessen her disappointment. "Maybe, she won't be so mad and a little more understanding. It's okay God will somehow help her understand, right?" I waited... and waited for my mother to come home. She came into the playroom, with a happy and enthusiastic questioning of how my day went. I thought in my head, in just a second the mood will all change. I tell her, "I talked to InRoads, the lady couldn't get me in." I explained to her why and why my extension of my graduation date didn't matter. She goes "I knew it. Oh well, are you sure?" "yes..." "see, you should have not wasted time and just done it earlier." I knew she was going to get there. I tried to lessen the fact that it was probably not the right time and i told her, "It's okay, it was just not meant to be..."
"Yeah I guess so..." She said disappointedly. She kept ranting about the same thing she said before "...you should have done it earlier... if you didn't switch around schools and went straight to UW..." Things were just not going well. I tried to get a hug from her, but it was a cold one. Kind of like the one where "do i have to?" hug. There was no response or feeling of "its okay Alicia... you tried". Nothing. It's hard to live with a mother that isn't grounded in Christ... truly not easy. Especially when she is Chinese, I can understand that you want the best for your children. It's an especially hard thing to see when all three of your children, you think, aren't doing well. If I was a mother like my mom I don't know how I would be able to live without Christ and knowing His greater plan for my own kids.
Anyways, maybe I'm just about to start my period or I am being really emotional about everything... *sigh* today was just not a good day. Throughout the day I kept reading the bible and trying to quiet my heart from being disappointed and sad. But it's no use, I can't hold it in any longer.
I really don't want to be disappointed because I don't want to be disappointed in God. Cause I still do believe He has a greater plan for me, but at this moment I feel kind of like Job, but not to that extent.

"9What do workers gain from their toil? 10I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him." - Ecclesiastes 3:9-14

~UPDATE~
so I never told you how things went the next day huh? So the next day my mom and I sat down at dinner and talked about my plans and what I could do. I told her my plans weren't really into doing business from the start (inRoads is a business program to earning an internship in a business company). That I really wanted to do something more in communications and that I was looking for an internship in the social media area. She understood and felt a little more reassured that I was thinking about my future. I think even through this small talk I felt God taking us through the conversation. I am slowly learning that communication is very key in any relationship that I am trying to build or rebuild. My mother and I haven't totally resolved all our problems between us, but I trust that when the time comes God will help remind us of the areas that need to be patched up and he will carry us through every step.

STOP. LISTEN. WATCH.

sometimes... i just wish i didn't have to always keep worrying and just LIVE life. Where is that balance of priorities + having fun? is there such a thing?

...What we begin to see is that we are not called to fulfill God’s purposes in our own strength and resourcefulness.  We are to trust in His.

This will be my prayer for a VERY long time...
Lord, I do not feel like a called person.  I have my list of reasons why I am not effective for you… but you already know them.  I confess my excuses as a lack of faith in Your ability to fulfill Your purposes.  I ask for You to reveal to me what my life is for.  Give me the patience to discover this as I pursue You.  Give me the faith to believe that You have appointed me…  Help me to see this today.  Amen.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you.  Before you were born, I set you apart…”

struggle in the midst of the sun

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in ALL your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

oh how hard it is to follow God. When life throws it's garbage at me I feel so small and useless.  it becomes hard for me to see God's glory in the moment. I can only focus on my own failures and "should haves". Right now my hopes feel like they are sleeping from my mind and I can't be happy because I can only see the mistakes that i've made so far.

Oh how i wish I knew what career I wanted to pursue. Oh how i wish things were just clearer. Oh how i wish i could have turned in my inroads application sooner. Oh how I wish... *sigh* that is all that has been going through my head since 10am this morning.

At the same time I can see myself nagging to God and i bet you how annoyed he is right now :( I can see how satan is taking over my thinking. I must stay away from these negative thoughts.  But I so badly want to figure out a solution or just be given a sign of where He wants me to be! ughh... stop. stop being so selfish. maybe it is time for me to fast....

Calling

ever since my friend brought up being part of the team for Challengers I've been thinking about it and praying. She has asked me to be a counselor before, but I thought that was crazy talk.  I'm putting together the pieces of what God is having me notice and what i've been learning so far about myself. You remember from the last post how I thought about Counseling as a career? I still am not sure about it as a career. I still have my doubts on how strong I am or will be, but that is something I will put into God's hands. I'll still continue to pray about it and if these chain of events are true in the direction God is calling me to be in, I will Go.

When Jesus heard him, he stopped and said, "Tell him to come here." So they called the blind man, "cheer up," they said. "come on, He's calling you!" - Mark 10:49

strengths & weaknesses

So since last time I journaled I've become more aware of some of my strengths and weaknesses about myself. 

my strengths:

-patient

-a good listener 

-like to help others solve their problems

-love one on one conversations

-good leadership skills (but only when there is no one else taking that leadership role)

-independent

my weaknesses:

-am able to easily shut down when things are not going right

-still a bit impatient at times when people get on my nerves (it does rarely happen, but when it does my mind seems to be very impatient)

-don't often speak up in large groups unless I feel comfortable that I wouldn't be judged for my opinions

A lot of my weaknesses I think I could work on, but it would take time for me to overcome them.  But I feel that God has helped me realize these things about myself, over the last two weeks, so that I can be prepared for things in the future. 

I've been starting to match up my strengths with some field work in mind. One option was counseling. I like the idea of counseling, being able to have conversations one on one and helping others solve their problems whether that be in a relationship or career wise. What made me choose counseling as an option was when I looked at my strengths and how I interact with people one of the things that I truly admire is one on one time and listening. And I think counseling provides me with an environment where I can practice my strengths, while working on my weaknesses as well. Counseling also gives me the freedom to create an environment and set the tone of a conversation. I don't always have to work under a time constraint and am able to set my own agenda (kinda...probably depending on where I counsel in). But this is not a for sure thing, just an idea and something that I feel that God is helping me notice about who I am as a person and where I could use these strengths and improve my weaknesses; at the moment. 

My career may or may not be stagnate and that is okay. I've realized through God's plan I could never know where he could put me in next, but knowing that in every situation I will be able to learn more about who He is in my life and the kind of person he has created me to be is all part of His grand plan. This past couple of weeks He has truly shown me where my faith lies and how my bond within Him is so much more stronger than I really thought. I hope that in the organizations or the working environments that I will be in, will be Christian based because I couldn't imagine not working for God every day.

Day 1

Welcome to my third blog... lol I wanted to keep all these blogs separate from each other because they all have different ideas that I want to share. This blog, for me, is what the title says it is. A place for me to journal the things I notice, I enjoy, or have a passion for in order for me to find my purpose. The idea of writing about my goals, dreams, and hopes into a journal started in my small group :) For the past couple of years I've been struggling to find a career path and I am now hoping I can figure something out by the end of this summer. I think this will be a great way for me to note things down and see the progress of my searching.  Thank you girls, I don't know how else I would be able to figure things out if it weren't for you guys <3.

Anyways, I am first going to lay down some rules. First and foremost this blog is only for my goals and passions (if I need to blog about politics or news that is for tumblr and if I need to blog about my personal spiritual growth that is for my xanga). I must TRY to write in this blog everyday at the end of the day. Write down things I notice in school or just while walking around doing stuff that I feel compelled to seek after or find out more about. hmm.. I think that is it.

so Day 1:

 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. - 1 John 4:18

After small group it was a great breather and refresher in God's vision in my life and drive to follow hard after Him. I always feel like when we miss a week of small group my drive to follow Christ seems to dwindle if we didn't meet up after 2 weeks. Today was a good day.... I felt like I appreciated things a lot more and felt like I needed to do my part as a servant of God to notice the little details in my daily life. I've realized that personal relationships with friends and family is something I truly could not live without. We took another survey in my career exploration class I had to rank what I thought were acts of service and my first choice was "talking with a friend"; while voting was my last choice on the list. Personally, I could careless about voting because I think our government system is just in a huge knot. Reflecting on my first choice I've come to realize through work, school, and acquaintances on the street personal relationships with people is my weakness. But the thing that I struggle with is keeping it consistent. Making sure I regularly check up on someone and making the effort to reach out to others. I am a bit introverted so I often like to hide away when my bubble bursts.  So I think it is something I must be aware of and try to find a way to switch on my introvertedness at an appropriate time. Anyways, it's time to go to bed... I'll probably pass out in class again :(