You’ve got to accept who they are and the way they’ve raised you because that’s the only way they know how to.
You can’t blame them. You can only love them and understand they love you and they are trying their best to protect you from a tough world.
But sometimes, you just gotta say “enough is enough”. You’ve got to learn to make choices on your own.
Recently it’s become apparent that I haven’t broken out of my parents shell. *gasp* shocking, I know. Being the youngest and the only girl in the house, often my parents have made demanding decisions in my life. Some decisions better than others. And some where I seriously should have just learned on my own.
I’ve grown up a pretty sheltered life. My parents have always wanted the best for me and made sure I had everything I needed *spoiled*. And I’ve clearly seen that throughout my life. At times it came to points where big decisions in my life, that I had to make -were decided by my parents. I mean, I don’t hate it because most of the time they were right. But because they were mostly right, I thought life was like a cookie cutter. There were certain things that were bad and that I shouldn't touch. And then there were the obvious “good” choices. But I've come to realize these opinions aren't mine, but my parents. I became reliant on what they had to say and if they said it wasn’t a good choice, i'd listen. Most recently within the past 5-6 years I've resented my parents for doing this to me. I lacked the confidence to make choices and just listened to my parents because I wanted to follow directions so that I wouldn't get in trouble. I lived in fear to please them, rather than God or myself. As I went through challenges and coping with decisions made in my life I tried to see it from their point of view.
I mean I've made my own mistakes in my life. Some were a turning point and some were small decisions. And i've learned the best big & small step life lessons from these experiences. But often enough those mistakes were without my parents. I think internally my heart continues to ask questions about boundaries because I haven't fully learned how to pack lightly. How far can I stretch my boundaries? How far am I willing to go to learn about who i am? Why can't i choose to say no at times where it is urgent for me to put my foot down and decide what is best for me?
Ultimately, I lack the ability to know when to say no. To stand up for myself and know what is right or wrong for me. Instead, I just listen to other people in what they thought was right or wrong. I go with their choices to please them.
And I am not blaming my parents or anyone else. I am not blaming myself for it either because thinking back these were choices of mine. And I see what my heart values most -being loyal. its just a matter of when will I be able to write my own story? Along the way through a series of events, that I probably don't really remember, I've learned that my passive aggressiveness can be a hindrance in having confidence in myself. My lack of deciding on something, could be one stem of my passive aggressiveness. Not wanting to displease someone or be judged for the decisions I decide to make. This could be a habit or a trait of mine. But it is something that I’ve always wanted to work on.
I am not, at all, looking at this from a negative point of view. All of this is part of my growing and strengthening in Christ. Learning who I am through God and who God has created me to be. To stretch out my wings and not be afraid to take a leap (so cliche..meh). And when I decide to take that leap, I won't be be afraid to stumble and fall at times, not be so indecisive when tough times come and to ultimately stand firm in Him.
“But take courage! None of you will lose your lives, even though the ship will go down.” (Acts 27:22 NLT)
I chose this verse because I'm not saying that after trying to make a decision that everything will fall apart. I’m saying that even when times do get tough, The Lord will always be there. That my life will not be totally over; even if things fall apart. But I DO have to take courage in Him that The Lord will not leave me empty handed after an experience. But that after a tough experience I can say that The Lord pulled me through.
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT)
No comments:
Post a Comment